- Anti-Porn and Anti-Prostitution Writer, Speaker, and Activist. AntiPornography.org Volunteer
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Now, let me start this by saying that I know men aren't the only ones who watch porn. But this article will be focusing on men, since they are the majority of porn consumers.
I was in the sex industry for eight years and did about 100 scenes in my so-called "adult film" career. I regularly communicated with "fans" through social media, email and occasionally through appearances at strip clubs and "adult entertainment" events. These fans often seemed to believe that I really loved what I did, and that most women in porn were just women with high sex drives that made money off of something they would do anyway. This is so not true!
I am not innocent. Like most porn performers I perpetuated this lie. One of my favorite things to say when asked if I liked doing a particular scene was, "I only do what I like! I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it!" (I would say this with a big fake smile and giggle.) What a total lie! I did what I had to do to get "work" in porn. I did what I knew would help me gain "fame" in the industry.
Sure, technically I had a choice, I could always say no to a scene. But like most porn performers, I couldn't afford to turn down paying work, and I knew that if I said no too many times, my agent would stop calling. That's just a fact.
Many "fans" seem to think that women in porn are some kind of special breed of woman that don't care about love or respect -- "She's just a crazy horny girl!" Yeah, that is definitely not the case. Every woman I knew in porn did it for a variety of reasons, and it was never because she was just "horny."
The porn performers I knew did it because they craved attention they never received growing up. They did it because they felt like they had no other options. They did it because they thought it would make them famous, and that maybe they could "cross over" into legitimate movies. They did it because they had been sexually abused as children or teens, so when they became adults, having sex for money seemed like a natural progression.
No woman in porn will ever admit to her "fans" that she does it for any of those reasons. Why would she? It would kill the fantasy, therefore cutting out a lot of her "fan base." One of the reasons I would never tell fans how I really felt was because I didn't want to sound like a victim. I wanted to portray myself as a sexy, empowered woman that just loved sex and made money doing it. Well, now that I'm done with the sex industry, there's no reason to pretend anymore. I can finally ruin all of the fantasies and lies that most men believe about porn, and it feels great!
The women in porn are just that, WOMEN. Real, living, breathing women that want the same things most other women want. I can't count how many times women told me that all they wanted was to get out of porn and find a loving husband. Start a family. Have a real career. Most felt like that was an impossible dream now that they had been "tainted" by performing in porn.
One of my old roommates was a perfect example of this. She slept around, did porn, and acted like she was just a wild party girl, but all she really wanted was a family of her own. Her so-called "fans" loved her porn work and truly thought that she was as happy as she seemed in the videos. But I knew the truth. I saw her cry every time a relationship fell apart because of her participation in the sex industry. I heard her talk about her past sexual abuse, and how worthless it made her feel. She told me about how her mother and father both abandoned her for drugs and alcohol. She definitely never told any of her "fans" that!
My friend smiled and was enthusiastic during her sex scenes, and that's all the porn consumers saw. They didn't see her come home afterwards and complain about how painful the sex was, or how the director treated her badly. They never knew that maybe she didn't like, (or even hated), the person she had to have sex with in that scene.
That's the thing, the "fans" don't see what happens when the camera cuts off and the woman goes home. They have no clue! You don't know these women or how they really feel, and let me assure you, they will never tell you. I don't care how genuine a woman seems, the fact is that the majority of them would rather not be there. They'd rather do something else with their lives, but porn has become a "safe haven" for them. They often feel rejected by the outside world, and porn is the only place that seems to accept them. It seems like the only option after doing it for awhile.
I know that I stayed in it for so long because of that reason. I thought that people outside of porn were mean and judgmental, and that they would never give me a chance to do something else. I always told my family and friends that there was no way I could get another job after what I had done, and that I was "good at doing porn," so what else should I do? It became a source of pride for me that no matter how I felt, I could put on a good show for my "fans." And trust me, I'm far from the only porn performer that felt that way.
So, next time you watch porn, or even think about doing so, remember that almost all of the smiling, almost all of the dirty talk, and almost all of the orgasms are fake. It's acting. It's a job, and a dead-end job at that. The woman that you're watching have sex with strangers on camera is a human being, not a sex toy or doll. She's a person with a family, friends, hopes and dreams. And I guarantee, those hopes and dreams probably didn't include having sex for money on camera.
Did I ruin your fantasy? Good. Because porn is not just a fantasy to masturbate to, it's someone's life going in a sad and hopeless direction. It's someone doing something they'll most likely regret forever. You don't see what goes on once the camera is off and the shoot is over. And to the degree that you watch and/or pay for porn, you are contributing to that woman continuing in that sad and hopeless direction, and you are contributing to the perpetuation of all of the lies and regrets.
Think about that.
And if you want to know more about the true abuse and exploitation that women in porn really experience, and what they truly think and feel about doing porn, feel free to read some of my other articles and watch my videos. You can find them here.
And remember: facing the truth will set you free. It will also help set free all of the damaged and unhappy women in porn who all deserve better than living their lives as dehumanized, degraded and disposable sex objects for you to masturbate to. And by the way, you too deserve better than being a part of that dead-end trip to nowhere. So please feel free to let go of porn and get a real life. You can do it if you really care about yourself and others, if you really want to, and if you're willing to do the work. Trust me, it will be worth it! You will feel much better about yourself! :)
P.S. If you're having trouble quitting porn, help is available! We recommend the following resources:
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Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexualitytakes an unflinching look at today’s porn industry: the stories woven into the images, the impact on our culture, the effects on us as men and women, the business machine that creates and markets porn, and the growing legitimacy of porn in mainstream media. Above all, PORNLAND examines the way porn shapes and limits sexual imaginations and behaviors.
Although we are surrounded by pornographic images, many people are not aware of just how cruel and violent the industry is today. PORNLANDshows how today’s porn is strikingly different from yesterday’s Playboy and Penthouse magazines — how competition in the industry and consumer desensitization have pushed porn toward hard core extremes. And, with the advent of the internet and other digital technologies, users don’t have to wander far to access porn; todaythe average age of first viewing is about 11 for boys, and studies reveal that young men, who consume more porn than ever before, have difficulty forming healthy relationships.
PORNLAND also looks at how our porn culture affects the way women and girls think about their bodies, their sexuality and their relationships. PORNLAND: How Porn has Hijacked our Sexuality argues that rather than sexually liberating or empowering us, porn offers us a plasticized, formulaic, generic version of sex that is boring, lacking in creativity and disconnected from emotion and intimacy.
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For more information about the documented harms of pornography please visit the extremely informative websitePornography Harms at PornHarms.com.
"Dedicated to providing the most accurate peer-reviewed research on the harm from pornography, along with relevant news and opinion."
This outstanding website comprehensively addresses the harms of pornography in regards to all of the following categories: addiction, brain science, children, cybersex, family, Internet, Internet safety, marriage, men, psychological, prostitution, relationships, research, self image, sex trafficking, sexting, sexual violence, societal, STDs, teens, and women.
Have you taken the NO-PORN PLEDGE at NoPornPledge.com yet? If not, now would be a really great time to do so! Please click here or the banner below.
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See the list of many people from all around the world who have signed the No-Porn Pledge. Click here.
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From NoPornPledge.com:
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At AntiPornography.orgwe are working to prevent and combat the devastating harms of pornography, prostitution, sex trafficking and sexual slavery, as well as all other forms of sexual exploitation, through public education and advocacy. We are:
Pro-Education, Pro Safe, Healthy, Respectful, Equality-Based Sexuality
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RESOURCES, FRIENDS, SUPPORTERS AND ALLIES:
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WOMEN AND GIRLS FOCUSED RESOURCES:
(For family, children, men and addiction focused resources, please scroll down.)
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ANTI-PORNOGRAPHY ORGANIZATIONS GROUPS AND WEBSITES:
Saavi Accountability -- The only online accountability program that works with all online addictions. It is also the only program that sends notifications instantly via text message to an accountability partner so that they can be supportive when an individual needs it the most at the point of weakness, while they are accessing the online content. The software was created by a young man (26) who overcame his addiction and is trying to help others.
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ADDICTION MESSAGE BOARDS & DISCUSSION FORUMS FOR HELP & SUPPORT:
NOTE: There are MANY anti-porn and porn addiciton discussion groups and pages at Facebook.
Just search GROUPS and PAGES for "porn addiction", "pornography addiction", "sex addiction", "anti-porn," "antiporn," "anti-pornography" & "antipornography"
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For more than 50 personal stories documenting the harms of compulsive and/or excessive pornography use and/or pornography addiction please see our "Porn Harm Stories" page. Thank you.
(Note: The No Porn Northampton FAQ is in the bottom half of their sidebar. In addition to the usual questions about pornography it addresses questions and concerns about activism against sexually oriented businesses such as "adult bookstores.")
Shared Hope International specifically focuses on fighting the demand for commercial sexual exploitaiton, including addressing pornography as a very significant demand factor for sex trafficking.
"Pornography is a marketing device for sex trafficking: It normalizes degradation and violence as acceptable and even inevitable parts of sex, and uses the bodies of real women and children as objects. The difference between pornography and erotica is clear in the roots of the words themselves -- porne means females slaves, eros means love -- so pornography, like rape, is about violence and domination, not sex. Millions of lives depend on our ability to separate pornography from erotica, and to disentangle violence from sexuality."
Gloria Steinem, 2006
For information about Gloria Steinem's important work of fighting against the harms of pornography, sex trafficking and other forms of sexual exploitation and abuse, including videos and an audio interview, please see our page on Gloria Steinem. Click here.
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