Things I've Learned Throughout My Battle with Pornography Abuse and Addiction
-- By AntiPornography.org Contributor Nick. F
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I am married to a beautiful, amazing woman and we have two wonderful children. I have a steady job, a graduate degree, and a promising future. I’m also addicted to pornography.
Pornography abuse is something I’ve battled the majority of my adult life and is the one area of my life that causes me deep shame. At first it started out as a curiosity, an attraction to the female body, and was limited to images and “soft” videos.
As the years went on and the softer images didn’t elicit the same response in me, I started viewing things that were more illicit in nature. To be completely honest, I’ve never liked or enjoyed “hardcore” pornography. Every time I see it I feel like the person who drives by an accident — you know you shouldn’t look, but for some reason you can’t pull your eyes away.
The reason I couldn’t pull my eyes away is because, despite the disgust I felt both at the images on screen and myself for having clicked the link, there was also excitement, titillation, and pleasure in watching the videos. If that sounds contradictory, it’s because it is. It doesn’t make sense, but that is how I felt.
My pornography use was always something I kept completely quiet, fearing people would find out and think less of me. I consider myself to be a very spiritual person and come from a like-minded community. Amongst my peers and fellow community members I felt completely alone and isolated, as if I were the only person on the entire planet with the problem. I hid it from my parents, my family and friends, and my spiritual community for a very long time. Every time I gave in and looked at pornography, I felt dirty inside, hating myself for not “being stronger” and not having the discipline to just “not look.” Inevitably I would fall into the same trap, over and over again.
I finally decided to talk to my parents about it, which was one of the best decisions I could have made. They listened, they cried with me, they were very supportive of my desire to change. To this day they continue being lifelines. I started talking to spiritual leaders and even went to a counselor who works specifically with pornography addiction. Each time I talked to someone new, I feared they would judge me or treat me as if I were a pervert. But each time I was surprised to find how eager people were to help.
Another thing I noticed when I began talking about my addiction was how many other people shared my struggle. I wasn’t alone, something I should have realized when hearing about the multi-billion dollar industry that is pornography. Many others struggle with pornography use and have the same desires to quit as I do.
Years went by with cyclical results. Using a complete iron-will I would abstain for months at a time, but then something would happen — generally something that put my own self-worth in question — and I would somehow find myself in pornography’s accepting and strangling embrace. Using pornography felt like “coming home” to a place that made me feel good superficially, only to fill me with remorse and regret soon thereafter.
When I met and fell in love I was terrified my girlfriend would find out. When our love progressed and we decided to get married, I decided it was time to come clean. The day I told her about my pornography addiction was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It took her off guard and she asked me a few questions, but in the end she said we were in this together and would work together to overcome it. To this day I am still grateful I talked to her because she has been my biggest support in trying to overcome it.
For about two years now I’ve been going to a psychotherapist to help me understand and deal with my pornography addiction. I have leaned some things that are harrowing but also helpful to know. Some of those things are:
* Pornography is as addictive as heroin and easier to come by. You don’t even have to pay for it anymore. It’s practically shoved at you for free on the Internet. The same neurological process that makes someone addicted to crack-cocaine or heroin happens in the brain of a pornography addict, which means they suffer the same highs and lows, even withdrawals, because the limbic system of the brain believes it needs pornography to survive.
* Pornography is not a “victimless” pastime. The men and women who look at pornography propagate an industry that makes billions of dollars a year by using and abusing the sexuality and bodies of women and men who work in an industry that chews them up and spits them out for “entertainment purposes.” On a more personal note, it takes men (and women) like me, who have happy marriages and families, and makes us commit mental adultery with every glamorized porn actress or actor we view, while hiding in darkened rooms watching movies, looking at magazines, or surfing the web. It isn’t fair to them.
* Pornography distorts a man’s view of womanhood. Women play an essential role in society that cannot be filled by men. They put their health and bodies on the line to bring children into this world. It is a sacrifice, but one that most do with nothing but love in their hearts. In most societies around the world, mothers are held with the utmost respect due to their influence as nurturers, educators, and protectors. In pornographic materials women take on a very different role — they are the dominated, the “whore,” the “bitch” or the “slut.” In the five, thirty or sixty minute video they are taken from “seductive and pure,” (most of the time purported as “virgins” in order to relay a fake sense of innocence), and changed into objects meant for only one thing — to please the man on screen abusing her, and the man off screen taking it all in.
* There is a big difference, in my opinion, between “sex” and “making love.” “Sex” is an action, something that is done. “Making love” is that same action but with care and affection mixed in. Lovemaking is when each partner tried to please the other, make sure the other feels cared for and loved. “Lovemaking” is not portrayed in pornography. Instead, it’s all about pleasuring oneself at the expense of the other. The women are put in uncomfortable and humiliating situations, forced to do things unnatural and unsafe, all leading up to that “all important” and anticipated moment where the man ejaculates on the elated face of the woman he intentionally violated and debased.
But it’s all just entertainment, right?
The more I discover about the industry, the more I know that statement is wrong. Now more than ever I think of the women behind the “personage” on the screen. How do they feel inside? How do they deal psychologically with everything they are put through for other people’s “enjoyment”? I’m sure there are some who say it’s their job and mean it, but I suspect the majority of them have deep, emotional scars as a result of their time in “the business.” It sickens me to know that I have been involved in that, even if only as a spectator.
There are a few things that I’ve learned (and AM learning) that are helping me with my addiction:
-- The first is that I am a human, and as a human I make mistakes. It’s been important for me to realize this in order to help let go of my crippling pornography habit. It seemed that any time I made a mistake or something went wrong, pornography became my crutch. It was an instant high, but never did anything to fix what pushed me towards it.
-- Second, to become aware. This applies on a couple of different levels. I’ve worked on being more aware of my emotions, aware of what pornography is doing to me and my family, and aware of how it affects those involved. It’s amazing how often we go through this life on autopilot. Some days you get up in the morning, go to work, drive home and are back in bed and you can’t remember anything from the day because it was so routine. Being aware means knowing how I feel and why I feel it. It means knowing I have a choice, and that I can always choose to do something besides looking at pornography. No matter how many times I fall, I can always choose to get back up and do better.
-- Third, change only comes when you want it. Change isn’t easy. You can’t fix a decade-long porn-habit in ten days. It is something you will have to work on for a long time. But, I sincerely believe there will come a time when it gets easier and easier to abstain.
-- Fourth, if you relapse — and you WILL relapse — you need to know how to lift yourself from the dirt and grime, dust yourself off, and keep advancing towards your goal of freedom.
-- Fifth, you cannot recover alone. You have to have other people’s help. When you talk about the addiction, it’s almost as if it takes power away from it. If you have safe people you can talk to, they can help you when those urges come on — but only if you let them.
-- Sixth, be honest. With yourself and with your loved ones. You don’t have to go announcing to the world that you are addicted to pornography, but you’ll never be able to hide it from them forever. I have been lucky in that my wife has supported me from day one. I know others might not be so lucky, but you gain nothing from hiding your addiction from the one you love. It only makes things worse.
I am still working towards full-recovery. I go extended lengths of time without a relapse, and then, one day, it will happen. I’ll struggle for a time, but then I right my way and keep going. You can do that too. I know you can. Find like-minded people, share your story, take the power away from pornography and place it back in your own hands.
My best wishes are with you.
Finally, I know this might seem a little “too easy” or like a copout, but I would like to apologize to everyone I have objectified as a result of my pornography abuse. I would especially like to apologize to my wife and reaffirm my promise to her that I will keep working at my recovery. Thank you, sweetie, for all of your love and support throughout the years. I couldn’t do it without you.
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Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexualitytakes an unflinching look at today’s porn industry: the stories woven into the images, the impact on our culture, the effects on us as men and women, the business machine that creates and markets porn, and the growing legitimacy of porn in mainstream media. Above all, PORNLAND examines the way porn shapes and limits sexual imaginations and behaviors.
Although we are surrounded by pornographic images, many people are not aware of just how cruel and violent the industry is today. PORNLANDshows how today’s porn is strikingly different from yesterday’s Playboy and Penthouse magazines — how competition in the industry and consumer desensitization have pushed porn toward hard core extremes. And, with the advent of the internet and other digital technologies, users don’t have to wander far to access porn; todaythe average age of first viewing is about 11 for boys, and studies reveal that young men, who consume more porn than ever before, have difficulty forming healthy relationships.
PORNLAND also looks at how our porn culture affects the way women and girls think about their bodies, their sexuality and their relationships. PORNLAND: How Porn has Hijacked our Sexuality argues that rather than sexually liberating or empowering us, porn offers us a plasticized, formulaic, generic version of sex that is boring, lacking in creativity and disconnected from emotion and intimacy.
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For more information about the documented harms of pornography please visit the extremely informative websitePornography Harms at PornHarms.com.
"Dedicated to providing the most accurate peer-reviewed research on the harm from pornography, along with relevant news and opinion."
This outstanding website comprehensively addresses the harms of pornography in regards to all of the following categories: addiction, brain science, children, cybersex, family, Internet, Internet safety, marriage, men, psychological, prostitution, relationships, research, self image, sex trafficking, sexting, sexual violence, societal, STDs, teens, and women.
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At AntiPornography.orgwe are working to prevent and combat the devastating harms of pornography, prostitution, sex trafficking and sexual slavery, as well as all other forms of sexual exploitation, through public education and advocacy. We are:
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ANTI-PORNOGRAPHY ORGANIZATIONS GROUPS AND WEBSITES:
Saavi Accountability -- The only online accountability program that works with all online addictions. It is also the only program that sends notifications instantly via text message to an accountability partner so that they can be supportive when an individual needs it the most at the point of weakness, while they are accessing the online content. The software was created by a young man (26) who overcame his addiction and is trying to help others.
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Shared Hope International specifically focuses on fighting the demand for commercial sexual exploitaiton, including addressing pornography as a very significant demand factor for sex trafficking.
"Pornography is a marketing device for sex trafficking: It normalizes degradation and violence as acceptable and even inevitable parts of sex, and uses the bodies of real women and children as objects. The difference between pornography and erotica is clear in the roots of the words themselves -- porne means females slaves, eros means love -- so pornography, like rape, is about violence and domination, not sex. Millions of lives depend on our ability to separate pornography from erotica, and to disentangle violence from sexuality."
Gloria Steinem, 2006
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